Stream of consciousness post, feeling inspired from the amazing Spring weather! 

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It's not that uncommon for my friends and family to, gently, question whether I enjoy my job, and essentially, whether I'm 'jaded yet.' 

I think this could partly be because I don't like opening up about how much I really appreciate my life. I feel a little embarrassed to say it sometimes, because everyone is trying to find and live their best life, and who am I to say I've got it figured out? I certainly don't. 

But the truth is, I love what I do as a job, which is really about 12 different things involving music. 

I know it looks like I'm always working, always struggling, always coming up short of 'something big.' 

But I love that incredibly slow progress toward a dream. Music infected my defenseless little brain at a very young age, and I feel so lucky to have been able to use this beautiful virus called music in a way that makes me genuinely happy, and even avoid doing things that make me unhappy. 

So, here's some 'why I love being a freelance musician' bullet points: 

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I love playing music, and how it connects me with others. 

I love writing music, and how it connects me with me. 

I love waking up and deciding what I want to write about today. 

I love practicing and learning about instruments for hours, and how my annoyingly hyperactive brain chills out a little as it goes over all the patterns. 

I love being directly responsible for my income, and how much I work. 

I love that I can be weird and it's more culturally acceptable. 

I love myself for what I've achieved so far, even if it's small, because no one could give it to me. 

I love that I can tell myself "NO regrets", because I'm giving it everything I've got! 

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Somehow, in the midst of all the work, I find joy every single day of my life. I spend a lot of my day in a creative flow. I go to bed feeling some tolerable mixture of satisfaction, frustration, and optimism about the future. 

I'm certain it's not for everyone, but for me, I'm really happy that I get to write and play music for a living! Even when it's hard work. (i.e., usually!) 

And, I appreciate anyone asking whether I'm happy! That's someone who really cares about you. 

I'm happy to say, that even though happiness is fleeting, satisfaction and joy are a part of every day! 

Besides, I don't really have a choice. If I try to do something in place of music for too long, piano noises and horns and drums and stuff all start blaring in my head. It's basically using me, and I'm cool with it, because I like to think it's for something positive in the world.